The maid of honor just puked.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
