Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
