I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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