you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
