I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
