Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
