I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Someone came in the potted fern
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
