ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
