if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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