I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
