I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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