The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
