Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
