I wish life had little blips of pornography
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
