So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
