I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
