Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
