this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
