a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
This house was built for laser tag.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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