According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
