Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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