R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
