She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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