My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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