Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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