fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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