Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
