i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
