I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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