You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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