i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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