Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
