Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
