have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
