she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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