forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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