I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
