New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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