I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
