hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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