i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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