dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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