I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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