The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
