Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
