There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
