I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
