Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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