Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
