so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
