also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
