just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
